Life can get messy when you live with chronic illness. Parts of your life get sacrificed when dealing with flare ups, with the fight against your body and mind, with new ailments appearing and old ones dragging you down.
I've drifted from my friends recently. I've been exhausted, dealing with new pain, with a recurrence of anxiety to do with public appearances, and with a simple desire to hide myself away hermit style and disconnect from the world. I'm aware this isn't healthy, nor is it good for my social sanding or relationships with my friends, but there's not much that can be done about it apart from wait for it to pass. It always does, it may take some time, but it does always eventually go away.
I could force myself out, but I would only end up being miserable and regretting it, and I don't believe someone should be out if that's only going to be the case. Yes, I still do my rugby club duties on a Saturday, and quiz on a Sunday, but they're different that usual socializing. I'm working, it's family, it's comfortable, it's where I want to be. It is bumming me out though, I miss my friends. I miss the laughter, I miss the conversations about things I don't understand and amusing them by the fact it all goes right over my head. I miss not being judged.
I have a feeling that a lot of this anxiety has been upped by not wanting to bump into the guy mentioned in my previous post as I always avoid situations that make me uncomfortable; and because of an incident that happened a few weeks ago. It happened at the rugby club which has made me slightly anxious there when I know the individual involved in the incident could be around, but I know there are others there who like me, trust me, understand me and what I'm going through, and that helps.
The aforementioned incident was ridiculous. I thought so then, I think so now, but that doesn't change the fact that it happened and that it's affected me. The culprit, who will remain unnamed, approached me and asked me what was wrong with me and why I don't work. I replied that I'm generally unwell, how working on a Saturday knocks me for six and that it takes me a few days to recover but that it was totally worth it. She then proceeded to rant at me about how I listen to doctors too much, and that I can't be as ill as I say or have all all the conditions and ailments that I do; that I should simply think positive thoughts and I'll get better, that taking long walks and hikes for charity will make me feel better that I need to stop believing that I'm sick and disabled and then I won't be. She was insulting, ignorant, arrogant and completely oblivious to the damage she was causing me. I was in tears in front of her, I shouted and was very visibly upset and distraught because of her comments and she stood there asking me why I was getting so upset, really not grasping the fact that it was her hurtful words that caused it.
I'm sure there are other factors that I haven't yet considered that are contributing to my despondent state, but I'm certain that this hasn't helped.
I'm getting there. I'm better than I was last week, and I hope things will improve more over the upcoming Christmas period, but it's going to take me time to get back to the point that I'm comfortable being out in public again with my friends. I've still got the shoes that I need to wear to do so, it's just they're giving me blisters, and I'm not ready to try and wear them again.
I hope they understand. I hope they're reading this and nodding knowingly, and realise that I'm not avoiding them, I'm not fobbing them off, I'm just struggling to get by and exist at the moment, and I'm sorry that I'm not around - I really truly am.
Friday 16 December 2016
Tuesday 11 October 2016
To sleep: perchance to dream; aye, there's the rub...
Insomnia is a bitch.
Painsomnia is even worse.
I have the misfortune of occasionally suffering from a combination of the two, something that is most definitely less than fun when you suffer from chronic fatigue to start with.
Last week - from Sunday afternoon til Saturday morning I had no more than about 12-15 hours sleep. My shoulder, back, knee and ankle put me into a whirlwind of pain, basically making my contract with the sleep fairy null and void. I'm falling apart, and the one thing that I could really do with to let my body try and fix itself is sleep, and it's the one thing that it wouldn't let me do.
I'll admit that I slept a bit more than I had any other night that week on Wednesday night, but as the insomnia carried on afterwards, I'm putting that down to the fact that I'd had my flu jab that afternoon and it knocked me for six. I slept Saturday night too, after a long day, and then a subsequent night out in Dorchester resulting in arriving at the spare room I was sleeping in at about 5:30am. I slept well on Sunday night too, being so exhausted from my weekend antics that I passed out from exhaustion rather than fell asleep.
I was hoping that that would be the end of this bout, but here I am at half two Tuesday morning tearing my hair out at the fact that I'm not asleep - and can't seem to get there. No amount of reading, or puzzles to wear out my eyes and brain seem to be working. Nor does the sleep mist I have or eye masks and pure determination.
I'm going to hope that this is a side effect from sleeping so much last night (I had a good 10 hours) and that I sleep well tomorrow. If not words will be had with my Doctor on Wednesday when I go in for steroid injections in my shoulder. That might do the trick, less pain equalling more sleep, but I might need an alternate solution. Not sure sleeping pills will be the right thing, but at least he might be able to suggest something else that will put sleep back on the menu for me!
Painsomnia is even worse.
I have the misfortune of occasionally suffering from a combination of the two, something that is most definitely less than fun when you suffer from chronic fatigue to start with.
Last week - from Sunday afternoon til Saturday morning I had no more than about 12-15 hours sleep. My shoulder, back, knee and ankle put me into a whirlwind of pain, basically making my contract with the sleep fairy null and void. I'm falling apart, and the one thing that I could really do with to let my body try and fix itself is sleep, and it's the one thing that it wouldn't let me do.
I'll admit that I slept a bit more than I had any other night that week on Wednesday night, but as the insomnia carried on afterwards, I'm putting that down to the fact that I'd had my flu jab that afternoon and it knocked me for six. I slept Saturday night too, after a long day, and then a subsequent night out in Dorchester resulting in arriving at the spare room I was sleeping in at about 5:30am. I slept well on Sunday night too, being so exhausted from my weekend antics that I passed out from exhaustion rather than fell asleep.
I was hoping that that would be the end of this bout, but here I am at half two Tuesday morning tearing my hair out at the fact that I'm not asleep - and can't seem to get there. No amount of reading, or puzzles to wear out my eyes and brain seem to be working. Nor does the sleep mist I have or eye masks and pure determination.
I'm going to hope that this is a side effect from sleeping so much last night (I had a good 10 hours) and that I sleep well tomorrow. If not words will be had with my Doctor on Wednesday when I go in for steroid injections in my shoulder. That might do the trick, less pain equalling more sleep, but I might need an alternate solution. Not sure sleeping pills will be the right thing, but at least he might be able to suggest something else that will put sleep back on the menu for me!
Saturday 27 August 2016
Zero to Hero
The last year has been a series of ups and downs, starting mostly with downs, and (so far) ending in mostly ups.
Compared to where I was this time last year, deeply suicidal, depressed, anxiety riddled and in generally a miserable state of affairs, I'm now much happier, cheerful, still suffering but no where near to the same extent, and starting new chapters of my life - something I never thought would happen.
For starters, I'm back working at the rugby club. After two years of being absent, I made it back and aside from the fact that there are a few new faces; it's like I never left. I'm back doing the bar work on a Saturday, appearing occasionally on a Thursday night, and really loving it. Everyone was very understanding about my sabbatical, there were little to no questions asked and I was welcomed back into the family with open arms. It's been 9 months or so since I went back, and I'm sat here gagging for the new season to properly begin so I can get back into it again! Never was a fan of the close season!
One of my favourite things that's happened to me this year is getting my reading bug back. As a child and teenager I spent the majority of my time with my nose buried in a book, and then lost my ability to concentrate enough to read (an unfortunate side effect of the ME), something that was both saddening and annoying to me.
I started reading again this year, starting simply with the Nikki Heat books by Richard Castle (linked to the Castle tv show). They're easy to read, have good plots, and were perfect for the re-entry to the world of books. I then went on to Derrick Storm books and haven't looked back. I've read Michael Crichton's Jurassic Park, The Lost Symbol and Inferno by Dan Brown, reread Torey Hayden's novels, and haven begun the Tempe Brennan series by Kathy Reichs. I've lost count, but I think that makes just over 30 books. That's more than I've read in the past 8 years combined. And I freaking love it.
In other news, I've finally decided that I'm in a place where I can start doing more with my life. Whilst I don't feel able, ready or capable to start a college course, or even something with The Open University, I decided it was time that I try for some more education.
Having flunked out of Sixth Form and my A Levels, and then again doing a Film Studies course at college the following year, I gave up on being able to gain any kind of further education. Aside from my complete lack of concentration span and the way that education works in later years of study, I lost confidence in myself, and struggled with my anxiety over the whole situation. That was until recently.
As mentioned above, I have got back into reading again, and because of this I feel like I can use that new found ability to proper use. In the last month I have started two separate online courses, both of which will gain me proper and recognised qualifications, but have no deadlines. This means that I can complete them at my own speed, with no pressures on me other than the ones that I impose on myself. This is paramount to me being able to succeed (and even think about trying if I'm honest) as this is a really big jump forward for me in my progress to find and keep my shine and become the person that I want and deserve to be, but I still need to do it slowly and at a speed that's comfortable.
These two courses are very different from each other. The first is a Nail Technician course, to expand my ability in the nail art that I already do, and gain a qualification so that I can progress forward and perhaps start my own small business - something that the course also teaches you to do.
The second is a Criminal Psychologist course. I love crime, murder, forensics and such, and learning about the reasons behind crime and criminal's behaviour is something that both intrigues and excites me. This is a larger course, with more work and reading to do, but again has no time limit, so whether it takes me a year or three to complete, then so be it.
I have come on leaps and bounds in recent weeks. On Thursday this week for example, I was required to attend a speed awareness course due to getting caught speeding a few weeks ago. I was to attend for four hours at a local hotel, on my own. I knew no one there, barely knew the place I was going, but I did it. I went, I stayed, and I suffered no problems whatsoever.
I am so very proud, pleased and amazed at myself. I've still got a long way to go, but I'm further than I ever thought I could be. Like it says in Katy Perry's Roar "I went from zero, to my own hero." it's a highly appropriate quote for me right now, and I've never been more proud.
Compared to where I was this time last year, deeply suicidal, depressed, anxiety riddled and in generally a miserable state of affairs, I'm now much happier, cheerful, still suffering but no where near to the same extent, and starting new chapters of my life - something I never thought would happen.
For starters, I'm back working at the rugby club. After two years of being absent, I made it back and aside from the fact that there are a few new faces; it's like I never left. I'm back doing the bar work on a Saturday, appearing occasionally on a Thursday night, and really loving it. Everyone was very understanding about my sabbatical, there were little to no questions asked and I was welcomed back into the family with open arms. It's been 9 months or so since I went back, and I'm sat here gagging for the new season to properly begin so I can get back into it again! Never was a fan of the close season!
One of my favourite things that's happened to me this year is getting my reading bug back. As a child and teenager I spent the majority of my time with my nose buried in a book, and then lost my ability to concentrate enough to read (an unfortunate side effect of the ME), something that was both saddening and annoying to me.
I started reading again this year, starting simply with the Nikki Heat books by Richard Castle (linked to the Castle tv show). They're easy to read, have good plots, and were perfect for the re-entry to the world of books. I then went on to Derrick Storm books and haven't looked back. I've read Michael Crichton's Jurassic Park, The Lost Symbol and Inferno by Dan Brown, reread Torey Hayden's novels, and haven begun the Tempe Brennan series by Kathy Reichs. I've lost count, but I think that makes just over 30 books. That's more than I've read in the past 8 years combined. And I freaking love it.
In other news, I've finally decided that I'm in a place where I can start doing more with my life. Whilst I don't feel able, ready or capable to start a college course, or even something with The Open University, I decided it was time that I try for some more education.
Having flunked out of Sixth Form and my A Levels, and then again doing a Film Studies course at college the following year, I gave up on being able to gain any kind of further education. Aside from my complete lack of concentration span and the way that education works in later years of study, I lost confidence in myself, and struggled with my anxiety over the whole situation. That was until recently.
As mentioned above, I have got back into reading again, and because of this I feel like I can use that new found ability to proper use. In the last month I have started two separate online courses, both of which will gain me proper and recognised qualifications, but have no deadlines. This means that I can complete them at my own speed, with no pressures on me other than the ones that I impose on myself. This is paramount to me being able to succeed (and even think about trying if I'm honest) as this is a really big jump forward for me in my progress to find and keep my shine and become the person that I want and deserve to be, but I still need to do it slowly and at a speed that's comfortable.
These two courses are very different from each other. The first is a Nail Technician course, to expand my ability in the nail art that I already do, and gain a qualification so that I can progress forward and perhaps start my own small business - something that the course also teaches you to do.
The second is a Criminal Psychologist course. I love crime, murder, forensics and such, and learning about the reasons behind crime and criminal's behaviour is something that both intrigues and excites me. This is a larger course, with more work and reading to do, but again has no time limit, so whether it takes me a year or three to complete, then so be it.
I have come on leaps and bounds in recent weeks. On Thursday this week for example, I was required to attend a speed awareness course due to getting caught speeding a few weeks ago. I was to attend for four hours at a local hotel, on my own. I knew no one there, barely knew the place I was going, but I did it. I went, I stayed, and I suffered no problems whatsoever.
I am so very proud, pleased and amazed at myself. I've still got a long way to go, but I'm further than I ever thought I could be. Like it says in Katy Perry's Roar "I went from zero, to my own hero." it's a highly appropriate quote for me right now, and I've never been more proud.
Wednesday 13 July 2016
Breathe. Believe. Shine. A Lyrical Guide.
Music is a big part of most people’s
lives, and can be a wholly healing thing. Some people find the noise of it
comforting, others the melodies, but personally I prefer lyrics, particularly
the ones that grab me and inspire me – especially those that inspire me to keep
on fighting.
I’ve made a list of songs, and have
taken the lyrics I feel are the most inspiring from each, the ones that remind
me how and why I need to keep on fighting against all the anxiety and
depression that surrounds me, others are ones that simply make me feel like I’m
not alone in the fight.
Some are cheesy, some are deep, and
some are just a pure prescription back to the path you want to be travelling to
find your shine again.
Thursday 7 July 2016
A New Era
It's been a long while since my last post, but I finally feel like I'm back in a place where I can start writing again.
A lot happened to me over the past year, and a lot of it wasn't good. I'm not going to go through it, there's no point in dragging myself down in having to retell the story again. Let's just say that it's made me stronger and a different person - one closer to the person I actually want to be.
There has been some good that's happened too though. I've met new people, I've overcome certain fears, I've climbed obstacles and smashed some to smithereens, I've started doing certain activities again that I feared I'd never feel comfortable enough to ever try again, and I'm so much happier than I've been in ages.
There's no doubt that I still have a lot of work to do, but the fact that I am at the point that I am now, I consider some sort of a miracle -- especially in comparison to this time last year, or even six months ago. It's been baby steps, and I've stumbled, crawled, and fallen backwards, but I'm still going forwards. I've discovered that as much as my impatient brain wants to, I'm not yet ready for leaps and bounds, but as far as I'm concerned, as long as I continue on the path that I'm on, it doesn't matter how long it takes me to reach my goal.
I still have issues, I'm still suffering from everything under the sun, but I feel like I'm learning to deal with it all in new and different ways. I'm so very proud of myself, and I know that there are people in my life that are just as proud, and this means the world to me. The people in my life now are the ones that I want there, the ones that I need, and the ones that I deserve. It took me far too long to realise this, and it's not something I will ever let myself go back on.
The image in my last post - the teary eye and the knife - that picture is on my bedroom wall, I see it every morning when I wake up, and every night before I go to sleep. It reminds me of where I used to be, and how far I've come now. It's been over 9 months since I last self harmed. I'd be lying if I hadn't had the thought or the urge since, but I haven't actually fallen so low that I've felt the real desire. Another reason to be unbelievably proud of myself.
Now I feel like I'm back in a place where I can actually write about my life and my experiences and troubles again without descending into a bottomless pit, I shall attempt to update more often. Even just writing this out has made me smile and feel like another part of me is back to where it should be -- and that it too can continue the path onwards and upwards!
A lot happened to me over the past year, and a lot of it wasn't good. I'm not going to go through it, there's no point in dragging myself down in having to retell the story again. Let's just say that it's made me stronger and a different person - one closer to the person I actually want to be.
There has been some good that's happened too though. I've met new people, I've overcome certain fears, I've climbed obstacles and smashed some to smithereens, I've started doing certain activities again that I feared I'd never feel comfortable enough to ever try again, and I'm so much happier than I've been in ages.
There's no doubt that I still have a lot of work to do, but the fact that I am at the point that I am now, I consider some sort of a miracle -- especially in comparison to this time last year, or even six months ago. It's been baby steps, and I've stumbled, crawled, and fallen backwards, but I'm still going forwards. I've discovered that as much as my impatient brain wants to, I'm not yet ready for leaps and bounds, but as far as I'm concerned, as long as I continue on the path that I'm on, it doesn't matter how long it takes me to reach my goal.
I still have issues, I'm still suffering from everything under the sun, but I feel like I'm learning to deal with it all in new and different ways. I'm so very proud of myself, and I know that there are people in my life that are just as proud, and this means the world to me. The people in my life now are the ones that I want there, the ones that I need, and the ones that I deserve. It took me far too long to realise this, and it's not something I will ever let myself go back on.
The image in my last post - the teary eye and the knife - that picture is on my bedroom wall, I see it every morning when I wake up, and every night before I go to sleep. It reminds me of where I used to be, and how far I've come now. It's been over 9 months since I last self harmed. I'd be lying if I hadn't had the thought or the urge since, but I haven't actually fallen so low that I've felt the real desire. Another reason to be unbelievably proud of myself.
Now I feel like I'm back in a place where I can actually write about my life and my experiences and troubles again without descending into a bottomless pit, I shall attempt to update more often. Even just writing this out has made me smile and feel like another part of me is back to where it should be -- and that it too can continue the path onwards and upwards!
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