An Inspiration?

Over the past month, two different people, in different situations, completely unconnected, and from different and separate conversations have said that I’m “inspirational”, and that I should write and blog more about my issues and how I try to overcome them.

I found this bizarre, insane, potty, and frankly wrong.

But then I thought about it a bit more. Just because I don’t find myself inspirational in any way, shape or form doesn’t mean that others don’t.

I find the fact that I’ve had to find ways to make sure I eat before I take my morning medications annoying, but maybe others find that I’ve found a solution to the problem inspirational and helpful.

I hate that I have to plan things by the hour sometimes, and that I have to write everything in multiple calendars not just so I remember them, but so that they actually get done. Others may find the combined use of the calendar on my phone and a blackboard wall calendar extremely useful, and not something they’d thought of before.

There are loads of things like this, from pockets to pillows, medications to massages, the list grows constantly.

While I look at the seemingly unending list of things I use as tools to help me manage my various conditions as second nature now, or common sense, or even just tricks and tweaks I’ve picked up after suffering for so many years, that list might look like the holy grail of things to help them, whether they’re just starting their chronic illness journey, or like me, have been battling for many years and still struggle with some basics – or just spot something they’ve never tried before!

I’m in the process of writing what looks to be a long and informative article, originally designed to be sent to The Mighty, but I feel that now might be a good time to resurrect my blog, and post this, the article , and other things on it.

As I’m in a reasonably good place at the moment, maybe it’s time I start airing my thoughts again.

I struggle every day. Sometimes it’s just fatigue, sometimes it’s pain, sometimes it’s my depression, sometimes it’s anxiety, sometimes it’s a fabulous combination or all of them. Different things need different coping techniques and things I need to do to battle through them, and manage it so I don’t end up a mess who can’t function.

Today I’m tired, so today I let myself nap. It’s not something I do often, most of the time I can hold on, whether it by just resting, or taking things slowly and easy so as not to drain what little energy I have too quickly. I can shower, dress, apply some make up and blow dry my hair in an hour fairly easily, and that’s without rushing. On days where I’m tired but have to go out, I have to block out an hour and a half to two hours just to do all that, because I know that if I rush myself or do it at my usual speed, I’ll end up in a state and probably be unable to do what I need to.

I’m going to try and write a post weekly. I’m going to put it on my calendars to make sure I do it. I can’t speak to the content yet, maybe summarising how I coped with any of the weeks struggles, maybe just bits on what I suffer from, I guess we’ll see how the week goes and how the muse strikes. I will admit that writing this, and writing the bigger article, has ignited something in me again. It’s reminded me how much I love writing, and how well I can get my point across so much better when I put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard as it stands) as opposed to just speaking. I have time to think about what I want to say, how I want to say it. I value that time. Time to think. It’s time that I use to sort through the riot in my head and get things straight.

I know that there’s not many people that read this blog, it doesn’t get many views, but if you are reading this, and there’s something that you’d like to read about from me and my points of view, then just ask.

To sleep: perchance to dream; aye, there's the rub...

Insomnia is a bitch.
Painsomnia is even worse.

I have the misfortune of occasionally suffering from a combination of the two, something that is most definitely less than fun when you suffer from chronic fatigue to start with.

Last week - from Sunday afternoon til Saturday morning I had no more than about 12-15 hours sleep. My shoulder, back, knee and ankle put me into a whirlwind of pain, basically making my contract with the sleep fairy null and void. I'm falling apart, and the one thing that I could really do with to let my body try and fix itself is sleep, and it's the one thing that it wouldn't let me do.

I'll admit that I slept a bit more than I had any other night that week on Wednesday night, but as the insomnia carried on afterwards, I'm putting that down to the fact that I'd had my flu jab that afternoon and it knocked me for six. I slept Saturday night too, after a long day, and then a subsequent night out in Dorchester resulting in arriving at the spare room I was sleeping in at about 5:30am. I slept well on Sunday night too, being so exhausted from my weekend antics that I passed out from exhaustion rather than fell asleep. 

I was hoping that that would be the end of this bout, but here I am at half two Tuesday morning tearing my hair out at the fact that I'm not asleep - and can't seem to get there. No amount of reading, or puzzles to wear out my eyes and brain seem to be working. Nor does the sleep mist I have or eye masks and pure determination. 

I'm going to hope that this is a side effect from sleeping so much last night (I had a good 10 hours) and that I sleep well tomorrow. If not words will be had with my Doctor on Wednesday when I go in for steroid injections in my shoulder. That might do the trick, less pain equalling more sleep, but I might need an alternate solution. Not sure sleeping pills will be the right thing, but at least he might be able to suggest something else that will put sleep back on the menu for me! 

Release