Saturday, 27 August 2016

Zero to Hero

The last year has been a series of ups and downs, starting mostly with downs, and (so far) ending in mostly ups. 

Compared to where I was this time last year, deeply suicidal, depressed, anxiety riddled and in generally a miserable state of affairs, I'm now much happier, cheerful, still suffering but no where near to the same extent, and starting new chapters of my life - something I never thought would happen. 

For starters, I'm back working at the rugby club. After two years of being absent, I made it back and aside from the fact that there are a few new faces; it's like I never left. I'm back doing the bar work on a Saturday, appearing occasionally on a Thursday night, and really loving it. Everyone was very understanding about my sabbatical, there were little to no questions asked and I was welcomed back into the family with open arms. It's been 9 months or so since I went back, and I'm sat here gagging for the new season to properly begin so I can get back into it again! Never was a fan of the close season!

Secondly, and the main reason that I'm feeling particularly happy and cheerful at the moment, is the fact that I've found myself a new gentleman friend. While we are using the terms 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend' there are things that are holding us back from making anything truly official yet. But that's not the point. The point is that he makes me smile. He makes me blush. He makes me feel wanted. He makes me feel beautiful. I wake up every morning to a text saying good morning, and fall asleep every evening after a good night text. He's exactly what I need right now. He's met most of my friends now too, and they all like him and agree with me. I'm sat here with a silly grin on my face just typing about him. 

One of my favourite things that's happened to me this year is getting my reading bug back. As a child and teenager I spent the majority of my time with my nose buried in a book, and then lost my ability to concentrate enough to read (an unfortunate side effect of the ME), something that was both saddening and annoying to me. 

I started reading again this year, starting simply with the Nikki Heat books by Richard Castle (linked to the Castle tv show). They're easy to read, have good plots, and were perfect for the re-entry to the world of books. I then went on to Derrick Storm books and haven't looked back. I've read Michael Crichton's Jurassic Park, The Lost Symbol and Inferno by Dan Brown, reread Torey Hayden's novels, and haven begun the Tempe Brennan series by Kathy Reichs. I've lost count, but I think that makes just over 30 books. That's more than I've read in the past 8 years combined. And I freaking love it. 

In other news, I've finally decided that I'm in a place where I can start doing more with my life. Whilst I don't feel able, ready or capable to start a college course, or even something with The Open University, I decided it was time that I try for some more education.

Having flunked out of Sixth Form and my A Levels, and then again doing a Film Studies course at college the following year, I gave up on being able to gain any kind of further education. Aside from my complete lack of concentration span and the way that education works in later years of study, I lost confidence in myself, and struggled with my anxiety over the whole situation. That was until recently. 

As mentioned above, I have got back into reading again, and because of this I feel like I can use that new found ability to proper use. In the last month I have started two separate online courses, both of which will gain me proper and recognised qualifications, but have no deadlines. This means that I can complete them at my own speed, with no pressures on me other than the ones that I impose on myself. This is paramount to me being able to succeed (and even think about trying if I'm honest) as this is a really big jump forward for me in my progress to find and keep my shine and become the person that I want and deserve to be, but I still need to do it slowly and at a speed that's comfortable.

These two courses are very different from each other. The first is a Nail Technician course, to expand my ability in the nail art that I already do, and gain a qualification so that I can progress forward and perhaps start my own small business - something that the course also teaches you to do.

The second is a Criminal Psychologist course. I love crime, murder, forensics and such, and learning about the reasons behind crime and criminal's behaviour is something that both intrigues and excites me. This is a larger course, with more work and reading to do, but again has no time limit, so whether it takes me a year or three to complete, then so be it. 

I have come on leaps and bounds in recent weeks. On Thursday this week for example, I was required to attend a speed awareness course due to getting caught speeding a few weeks ago. I was to attend for four hours at a local hotel, on my own. I knew no one there, barely knew the place I was going, but I did it. I went, I stayed, and I suffered no problems whatsoever. 

I am so very proud, pleased and amazed at myself. I've still got a long way to go, but I'm further than I ever thought I could be. Like it says in Katy Perry's Roar "I went from zero, to my own hero." it's a highly appropriate quote for me right now, and I've never been more proud. 

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