Sunday, 28 June 2015
I am terrified about a lot. Some are little things, some are big things. Some are ridiculous, some are normal. I am attempting to get through them, but it’s not easy, but at least I can acknowledge them.
Myself. I am terrified of myself. The way I can go from being on top of the world to wishing I was dead in the blink of an eye. The images that my brain produces. The way I can’t ever seem to forget things, and this means that they forever hurt me.
Sex. Sex scares the crap out of me. I’ve had it, and I enjoy it, but it scares the living daylights out of me. I’m scared of being that naked - physically and soulfully - I am reasonably inexperienced and have a history to show why, and what’s happened since. I can literally talk the talk, but not walk the walk. When I was writing properly I wrote some pretty damn good smut, porn, erotica, pure filth. But I can feel myself freaking out inside just from thinking about doing it myself.
Love. It terrifies me. I’ve fallen in love, deeply, thoroughly, and all that happened is that I got hurt. Heart shattered into a million teeny tiny shards hurt, and I’m too scared to let myself do it again, because I’ll just get hurt again, and I got through it before by the skin of my teeth. Not doing it again. I have trust issues, and I don’t think I could ever trust anyone that much, because the risk of pain is far too high right now.
I’m too scared to trust people, as the people that I’ve put the most trust in in my life have thrown things back in my face, have lied to me, have betrayed me, and made me believe that trust just can’t happen, not without me getting destroyed again.
Being Ignored. Sometimes I feel like the white crayon and terms and conditions. I often feel like I’ve just been forgotten about, and this stokes the fear deep in me that I will be left alone. Alone to stew in my neuroses, sitting waiting for someone to remember my existence until I become a skeleton. See, told you.
Being in public can be quite a terrifying experience for me, especially when there’s a high chance that while out, that I have to come face to face with people that make me feel worse than I already do. The mere thought of it makes me want to hide under a table in the corner, or lock myself in a toilet cubicle until they’ve gone. There are some things that I’m just not strong enough to face, and being confronted by one of them, well, that just makes me want to curl up somewhere, and/or carve chunks out of my leg. I know I should let things go, and that I shouldn’t let people make me feel like that, but it’s a long, hard, scary path that I can’t yet crawl down.
I’m scared that I’ll never get better - that I’ll be a tired, exhausted, miserable, depressed, terrified person my entire life.