To sleep: perchance to dream; aye, there's the rub...

Insomnia is a bitch.
Painsomnia is even worse.

I have the misfortune of occasionally suffering from a combination of the two, something that is most definitely less than fun when you suffer from chronic fatigue to start with.

Last week - from Sunday afternoon til Saturday morning I had no more than about 12-15 hours sleep. My shoulder, back, knee and ankle put me into a whirlwind of pain, basically making my contract with the sleep fairy null and void. I'm falling apart, and the one thing that I could really do with to let my body try and fix itself is sleep, and it's the one thing that it wouldn't let me do.

I'll admit that I slept a bit more than I had any other night that week on Wednesday night, but as the insomnia carried on afterwards, I'm putting that down to the fact that I'd had my flu jab that afternoon and it knocked me for six. I slept Saturday night too, after a long day, and then a subsequent night out in Dorchester resulting in arriving at the spare room I was sleeping in at about 5:30am. I slept well on Sunday night too, being so exhausted from my weekend antics that I passed out from exhaustion rather than fell asleep. 

I was hoping that that would be the end of this bout, but here I am at half two Tuesday morning tearing my hair out at the fact that I'm not asleep - and can't seem to get there. No amount of reading, or puzzles to wear out my eyes and brain seem to be working. Nor does the sleep mist I have or eye masks and pure determination. 

I'm going to hope that this is a side effect from sleeping so much last night (I had a good 10 hours) and that I sleep well tomorrow. If not words will be had with my Doctor on Wednesday when I go in for steroid injections in my shoulder. That might do the trick, less pain equalling more sleep, but I might need an alternate solution. Not sure sleeping pills will be the right thing, but at least he might be able to suggest something else that will put sleep back on the menu for me! 

Zero to Hero

The last year has been a series of ups and downs, starting mostly with downs, and (so far) ending in mostly ups. 

Compared to where I was this time last year, deeply suicidal, depressed, anxiety riddled and in generally a miserable state of affairs, I'm now much happier, cheerful, still suffering but no where near to the same extent, and starting new chapters of my life - something I never thought would happen. 

For starters, I'm back working at the rugby club. After two years of being absent, I made it back and aside from the fact that there are a few new faces; it's like I never left. I'm back doing the bar work on a Saturday, appearing occasionally on a Thursday night, and really loving it. Everyone was very understanding about my sabbatical, there were little to no questions asked and I was welcomed back into the family with open arms. It's been 9 months or so since I went back, and I'm sat here gagging for the new season to properly begin so I can get back into it again! Never was a fan of the close season!



One of my favourite things that's happened to me this year is getting my reading bug back. As a child and teenager I spent the majority of my time with my nose buried in a book, and then lost my ability to concentrate enough to read (an unfortunate side effect of the ME), something that was both saddening and annoying to me. 

I started reading again this year, starting simply with the Nikki Heat books by Richard Castle (linked to the Castle tv show). They're easy to read, have good plots, and were perfect for the re-entry to the world of books. I then went on to Derrick Storm books and haven't looked back. I've read Michael Crichton's Jurassic Park, The Lost Symbol and Inferno by Dan Brown, reread Torey Hayden's novels, and haven begun the Tempe Brennan series by Kathy Reichs. I've lost count, but I think that makes just over 30 books. That's more than I've read in the past 8 years combined. And I freaking love it. 

In other news, I've finally decided that I'm in a place where I can start doing more with my life. Whilst I don't feel able, ready or capable to start a college course, or even something with The Open University, I decided it was time that I try for some more education.

Having flunked out of Sixth Form and my A Levels, and then again doing a Film Studies course at college the following year, I gave up on being able to gain any kind of further education. Aside from my complete lack of concentration span and the way that education works in later years of study, I lost confidence in myself, and struggled with my anxiety over the whole situation. That was until recently. 

As mentioned above, I have got back into reading again, and because of this I feel like I can use that new found ability to proper use. In the last month I have started two separate online courses, both of which will gain me proper and recognised qualifications, but have no deadlines. This means that I can complete them at my own speed, with no pressures on me other than the ones that I impose on myself. This is paramount to me being able to succeed (and even think about trying if I'm honest) as this is a really big jump forward for me in my progress to find and keep my shine and become the person that I want and deserve to be, but I still need to do it slowly and at a speed that's comfortable.

These two courses are very different from each other. The first is a Nail Technician course, to expand my ability in the nail art that I already do, and gain a qualification so that I can progress forward and perhaps start my own small business - something that the course also teaches you to do.

The second is a Criminal Psychologist course. I love crime, murder, forensics and such, and learning about the reasons behind crime and criminal's behaviour is something that both intrigues and excites me. This is a larger course, with more work and reading to do, but again has no time limit, so whether it takes me a year or three to complete, then so be it. 



I have come on leaps and bounds in recent weeks. On Thursday this week for example, I was required to attend a speed awareness course due to getting caught speeding a few weeks ago. I was to attend for four hours at a local hotel, on my own. I knew no one there, barely knew the place I was going, but I did it. I went, I stayed, and I suffered no problems whatsoever. 



I am so very proud, pleased and amazed at myself. I've still got a long way to go, but I'm further than I ever thought I could be. Like it says in Katy Perry's Roar "I went from zero, to my own hero." it's a highly appropriate quote for me right now, and I've never been more proud. 

Breathe. Believe. Shine. A Lyrical Guide.

Music is a big part of most people’s lives, and can be a wholly healing thing. Some people find the noise of it comforting, others the melodies, but personally I prefer lyrics, particularly the ones that grab me and inspire me – especially those that inspire me to keep on fighting.

I’ve made a list of songs, and have taken the lyrics I feel are the most inspiring from each, the ones that remind me how and why I need to keep on fighting against all the anxiety and depression that surrounds me, others are ones that simply make me feel like I’m not alone in the fight.

Some are cheesy, some are deep, and some are just a pure prescription back to the path you want to be travelling to find your shine again.

A New Era

It's been a long while since my last post, but I finally feel like I'm back in a place where I can start writing again. 

A lot happened to me over the past year, and a lot of it wasn't good. I'm not going to go through it, there's no point in dragging myself down in having to retell the story again. Let's just say that it's made me stronger and a different person - one closer to the person I actually want to be.

There has been some good that's happened too though. I've met new people, I've overcome certain fears, I've climbed obstacles and smashed some to smithereens, I've started doing certain activities again that I feared I'd never feel comfortable enough to ever try again, and I'm so much happier than I've been in ages. 

There's no doubt that I still have a lot of work to do, but the fact that I am at the point that I am now, I consider some sort of a miracle -- especially in comparison to this time last year, or even six months ago.  It's been baby steps, and I've stumbled, crawled, and fallen backwards, but I'm still going forwards. I've discovered that as much as my impatient brain wants to, I'm not yet ready for leaps and bounds, but as far as I'm concerned, as long as I continue on the path that I'm on, it doesn't matter how long it takes me to reach my goal. 

I still have issues, I'm still suffering from everything under the sun, but I feel like I'm learning to deal with it all in new and different ways. I'm so very proud of myself, and I know that there are people in my life that are just as proud, and this means the world to me. The people in my life now are the ones that I want there, the ones that I need, and the ones that I deserve. It took me far too long to realise this, and it's not something I will ever let myself go back on.

The image in my last post - the teary eye and the knife - that picture is on my bedroom wall, I see it every morning when I wake up, and every night before I go to sleep. It reminds me of where I used to be, and how far I've come now. It's been over 9 months since I last self harmed. I'd be lying if I hadn't had the thought or the urge since, but I haven't actually fallen so low that I've felt the real desire. Another reason to be unbelievably proud of myself. 


Now I feel like I'm back in a place where I can actually write about my life and my experiences and troubles again without descending into a bottomless pit, I shall attempt to update more often. Even just writing this out has made me smile and feel like another part of me is back to where it should be -- and that it too can continue the path onwards and upwards! 

Release

Help Tips

Having been asked for help explaining how non suffers can help and support those who have anxiety and depression, I wrote the following. 

As far as anxiety and depression goes, at least in my case as others might be different - reassurance is a big part. Don't reject them, hurt them or leave them stranded in some way (may not seem to you like you are, but to them it could feel like you're pushing them out of a plane into the ocean and they can't swim), keep your eyes open for signs of panic and uncomfortableness - could be anything from silence, nail biting, finger twiddling, refusal to put down their phone etc - constantly reassure them that they're gonna be okay and that you're there for them. Don't force them into situations you know/think they might be uncomfortable with, but be there to support them if they try and do something outside of their comfort zone. Don't always believe 'fine' as an answer when you ask how they are, but don't try and push too far for a better answer, just let them know that you're there if they need you. 

Depression is a lot of the same, but needing extra encouragement to try and do things rather than just wallow. Too much wallowing means not wanting to do things, which means when it comes to actually trying to do things it could have been too long since you've seen people and the anxiety kicks in, and beliefs that there will be endless questions as to where you've been or what's up or things like that then make you not want to do anything again.

Try and get them to do things, but within their limits. Ask if they wanna go for a drink or a walk or something, and even if you normally get the same answer of no, keep trying - but don't push. Let them know that they're not alone, even if that's all they feel, constant reassurance that they're not a hinderance, annoying or ridiculous/pathetic can mean a lot.

Just trying is the main thing though. Even if you feel like you may have failed because they're still panicky or crying or suicidal, the fact that you even bothered trying in the first place means a hell of a lot, as so many people just ignore those with anxiety and depression, or think we're attention seeking (which maybe we are, but at least in my case it's generally a cry for help) and the fact that there's someone on the planet that actually seems to be showing compassion towards us can at least make stepping stones towards helping recovery.

Fears

I am terrified about a lot. Some are little things, some are big things. Some are ridiculous, some are normal. I am attempting to get through them, but it’s not easy, but at least I can acknowledge them.

Myself. I am terrified of myself. The way I can go from being on top of the world to wishing I was dead in the blink of an eye. The images that my brain produces. The way I can’t ever seem to forget things, and this means that they forever hurt me. 

Sex. Sex scares the crap out of me. I’ve had it, and I enjoy it, but it scares the living daylights out of me. I’m scared of being that naked - physically and soulfully - I am reasonably inexperienced and have a history to show why, and what’s happened since. I can literally talk the talk, but not walk the walk. When I was writing properly I wrote some pretty damn good smut, porn, erotica, pure filth. But I can feel myself freaking out inside just from thinking about doing it myself. 

Love. It terrifies me. I’ve fallen in love, deeply, thoroughly, and all that happened is that I got hurt. Heart shattered into a million teeny tiny shards hurt, and I’m too scared to let myself do it again, because I’ll just get hurt again, and I got through it before by the skin of my teeth. Not doing it again. I have trust issues, and I don’t think I could ever trust anyone that much, because the risk of pain is far too high right now. 

I’m too scared to trust people, as the people that I’ve put the most trust in in my life have thrown things back in my face, have lied to me, have betrayed me, and made me believe that trust just can’t happen, not without me getting destroyed again. 

Being Ignored. Sometimes I feel like the white crayon and terms and conditions. I often feel like I’ve just been forgotten about, and this stokes the fear deep in me that I will be left alone. Alone to stew in my neuroses, sitting waiting for someone to remember my existence until I become a skeleton. See, told you. 

Being in public can be quite a terrifying experience for me, especially when there’s a high chance that while out, that I have to come face to face with people that make me feel worse than I already do. The mere thought of it makes me want to hide under a table in the corner, or lock myself in a toilet cubicle until they’ve gone. There are some things that I’m just not strong enough to face, and being confronted by one of them, well, that just makes me want to curl up somewhere, and/or carve chunks out of my leg. I know I should let things go, and that I shouldn’t let people make me feel like that, but it’s a long, hard, scary path that I can’t yet crawl down. 

I’m scared that I’ll never get better - that I’ll be a tired, exhausted, miserable, depressed, terrified person my entire life.