Release

Help Tips

Having been asked for help explaining how non suffers can help and support those who have anxiety and depression, I wrote the following. 

As far as anxiety and depression goes, at least in my case as others might be different - reassurance is a big part. Don't reject them, hurt them or leave them stranded in some way (may not seem to you like you are, but to them it could feel like you're pushing them out of a plane into the ocean and they can't swim), keep your eyes open for signs of panic and uncomfortableness - could be anything from silence, nail biting, finger twiddling, refusal to put down their phone etc - constantly reassure them that they're gonna be okay and that you're there for them. Don't force them into situations you know/think they might be uncomfortable with, but be there to support them if they try and do something outside of their comfort zone. Don't always believe 'fine' as an answer when you ask how they are, but don't try and push too far for a better answer, just let them know that you're there if they need you. 

Depression is a lot of the same, but needing extra encouragement to try and do things rather than just wallow. Too much wallowing means not wanting to do things, which means when it comes to actually trying to do things it could have been too long since you've seen people and the anxiety kicks in, and beliefs that there will be endless questions as to where you've been or what's up or things like that then make you not want to do anything again.

Try and get them to do things, but within their limits. Ask if they wanna go for a drink or a walk or something, and even if you normally get the same answer of no, keep trying - but don't push. Let them know that they're not alone, even if that's all they feel, constant reassurance that they're not a hinderance, annoying or ridiculous/pathetic can mean a lot.

Just trying is the main thing though. Even if you feel like you may have failed because they're still panicky or crying or suicidal, the fact that you even bothered trying in the first place means a hell of a lot, as so many people just ignore those with anxiety and depression, or think we're attention seeking (which maybe we are, but at least in my case it's generally a cry for help) and the fact that there's someone on the planet that actually seems to be showing compassion towards us can at least make stepping stones towards helping recovery.

Fears

I am terrified about a lot. Some are little things, some are big things. Some are ridiculous, some are normal. I am attempting to get through them, but it’s not easy, but at least I can acknowledge them.

Myself. I am terrified of myself. The way I can go from being on top of the world to wishing I was dead in the blink of an eye. The images that my brain produces. The way I can’t ever seem to forget things, and this means that they forever hurt me. 

Sex. Sex scares the crap out of me. I’ve had it, and I enjoy it, but it scares the living daylights out of me. I’m scared of being that naked - physically and soulfully - I am reasonably inexperienced and have a history to show why, and what’s happened since. I can literally talk the talk, but not walk the walk. When I was writing properly I wrote some pretty damn good smut, porn, erotica, pure filth. But I can feel myself freaking out inside just from thinking about doing it myself. 

Love. It terrifies me. I’ve fallen in love, deeply, thoroughly, and all that happened is that I got hurt. Heart shattered into a million teeny tiny shards hurt, and I’m too scared to let myself do it again, because I’ll just get hurt again, and I got through it before by the skin of my teeth. Not doing it again. I have trust issues, and I don’t think I could ever trust anyone that much, because the risk of pain is far too high right now. 

I’m too scared to trust people, as the people that I’ve put the most trust in in my life have thrown things back in my face, have lied to me, have betrayed me, and made me believe that trust just can’t happen, not without me getting destroyed again. 

Being Ignored. Sometimes I feel like the white crayon and terms and conditions. I often feel like I’ve just been forgotten about, and this stokes the fear deep in me that I will be left alone. Alone to stew in my neuroses, sitting waiting for someone to remember my existence until I become a skeleton. See, told you. 

Being in public can be quite a terrifying experience for me, especially when there’s a high chance that while out, that I have to come face to face with people that make me feel worse than I already do. The mere thought of it makes me want to hide under a table in the corner, or lock myself in a toilet cubicle until they’ve gone. There are some things that I’m just not strong enough to face, and being confronted by one of them, well, that just makes me want to curl up somewhere, and/or carve chunks out of my leg. I know I should let things go, and that I shouldn’t let people make me feel like that, but it’s a long, hard, scary path that I can’t yet crawl down. 

I’m scared that I’ll never get better - that I’ll be a tired, exhausted, miserable, depressed, terrified person my entire life.